A 'No' uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Gandhi
Many years ago, I wanted to be better at negotiation. I came across books by William Ury and The Power of a Positive No caught my eye. Just the title of the book was interesting and yet I was uncomfortable. Wasn't negotiation was about "getting a yes"? I was uncomfortable with the word 'No'. But why?
The rest of the article is not a book review of William Ury's work. It is a reflection of how 'No' can sometimes be such a powerful response and why we need to get comfortable with it and how it can potentially change our onward journey in life and at work.
Why was 'No' uncomfortable?
The idea of a successful negotiation through a 'No' felt awkward to me. I believe it has to do with a culture that I grew up in. An old 'joke' frequently shared by my Uncle Chin was "Yes, is better than No!" It was used many of our conversations in Cantonese. Unknowing to me, this casual statement was etched on my mind and shaped the way I engaged with others. I valued being agreeable. 'Yes' was about being positive, amicable, hardworking, and even being likeable!
But was that just me? How does 'No' make you feel?
I am sure your reasons may be different from mine. In fact, it may not even be uncomfortable for you at all. And that is okay!
If you have a different reason for being uncomfortable with 'No', then what was it about? How has it shaped your responses to things around you? Was there a time when you should have said 'No' but 'Yes' was uttered instead? How did it impact you?
This book triggered in me a new understanding of the word 'No'. I realised that 'No' can be a powerful statement and it also about making choices.
Why is 'No' important?
“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” – Steve Jobs
So making choices allow you to focus on what is important. And 'No' protects you from distractions that keep you from the things that you value. You have to pick carefully, as Steve Jobs said. For every 'Yes', there is a thousand 'No'.
One way to look at choices is to weigh the good of BOTH the 'Yes' and 'No'. Do you do that consciously? Or do you surrender a 'Yes' just to err on the side of comfort? When we start to understand the relationship between 'Yes' and 'No', we will begin to make more complete choices.
Behind our choices, there is a deeper 'Why'. It reveals what you value and where you anchor your beliefs. Do you know the 'Why' in your choices? Are you making choices that are aligned with your 'Why'?
"I have no choice"
What happens when we declare "I have no choice"? It breaks my heart when I hear this statement. It felt so disempowering, so helpless, for anyone to be in such a situation.
Was it a case of 'no choice' or were the other choices too difficult to even consider? What if we did choose the "unthinkable"? 'I have no choice' is more common than we would like to admit. For some, it is choosing not to choose.
In today's context, you can find couples having a "romantic" night out and their choice was to stay glued to their mobile phones. We have executives working late into the night and choosing not to spend time with their kids even when they pop their heads into the room looking troubled. It is letting out in fury when a colleague didn't meet a dateline and choosing not to ask "Is everything okay?"
'No' can be a difficult choice but it also a powerful choice. It takes courage to hold our boundaries to protect self and the people we care about. It is the humility to acknowledge that everyone makes a mistake and the discipline to be respectful even in the most difficult situations.
'No' can be a choice for the brave!
How can I choose better?
When we have a chance to sit down and step through the choices, we open up opportunities to go deeper. Particularly in coaching conversations, we can see the delight on the faces when new possibilities emerge. It is amazing that these do not come from the coach but from the inner self of the client simply choosing from a different emotional state.
Whether we realise it or not, in the heat of the moment or the intensity of the environment, we operate differently. Fear, anger, sadness, shame, disgust.... they all consume us and limit what is possible in front of us.
To choose better, we need to be aware of our state. If we notice that our emotional state is not going to support us in making the best choices, call a time-out! Take a deep breath. Shake it off. It is better to say "I need a few moments to think about this" than to rush into a choice you might regret in a high-stake situation.
Creating that space to choose
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. – Viktor Frankl
As leaders in personal and professional life, you learn from failures and grow from your mistakes. You do so through the choices you make and the impact you create.
Creating that space requires you to have a level of awareness for the stimulus. Marshall Goldsmith in his book Triggers introduced the concept of Belief Triggers and your understanding of these triggers is critical to creating the space to give yourself the power to choose.
When you learn to be a better observer of your emotional and bodily responses, you can start to take these cues to regulate yourself better in order to choose a better response.
Say 'No' to uncontrolled reaction and 'Yes' to conscious responses.
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About Christopher
Christoper is an Executive & Leadership Coach with a wealth of experience in Information Technology with Healthcare and Banking sectors. His last corporate role was the IT Director at Johnson & Johnson where he served for over 18 years. He was a corporate executive for over 20 years leading global teams and found his passion for helping individuals and teams discover their success journeys.
Christopher began his transition to Executive Coach in 2018 and received his training as an Ontological Coach with Newfield Asia to be grounded on a holistic framework of Body, Emotions and Language. He also partners with Marshall Goldsmith Coaching to bring to clients well-researched and success-proven programs for executives and teams.
Christopher is a Singaporean and serves clients worldwide from his base in Singapore. He is married with 3 adult children. He enjoys his time with family and shares a golfing hobby with his wife.
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